Come to think of it, is love what we are really afraid of? Change one letter of that word, and you get the word “lose.” A guy loses when the girl he’s courting happens to fall for someone else. A girl loses when her husband cheats on her and chooses the mistress instead. A lover loses when the loved one decides that he or she wouldn’t have anything to do with the other person anymore. These scenarios can happen in all kinds of variations. The sad thing is, they all bring about hurt. Sometimes this kind of hurt becomes too much for a person to bear. It can cause sickness, it can cause depression, it can cause all kinds of reactions. The worst case of which would be suicidal attempts. Now that probably occurs when the person in love feels that he or she has lost everything – pride, hope, happiness… and even the will to live -- because of the pain that love brought about.
I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that it is NOT love that some of us are afraid of. I mean, what’s there to fear about love, right? Love is such a wonderful feeling. It inspires, it makes our lives so much brighter, it gives us an opportunity to make someone feel special. It is not really something to be afraid of. What we are afraid of, though, is to lose, and the pain that threatens to come along with love, as well. To lose the inspiration that love can bring. To lose one’s self so much in the pleasure of loving and being loved for fear that it might not last long. To lose the feeling of being wanted. Sometimes, these things come unexpectedly when we fall in love, and we mistake the fear of losing for the fear of loving. That is why we hold back. But then, if we don’t risk letting ourselves fall in love, we might regret it. As the saying goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.” Mushy and idealistic, isn’t it? But it’s most probably true.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Afraid to love or Afraid to lose?
The right person...
It has always been said that the success of a relationship depends on choosing the right partner. This may be true in many ways but the problems is in finding out who the right person is. And most of the time it is revealed to us only when we are already deep into the relationship where turning back is difficult, if not utterly painful.
Loving always involves a certain amount of risk. It offers no guarantee of permanence. Getting involved with someone is easy. But getting out of a relationship when we have already invested so much of our love and time can be very difficult. The purpose of failures in a relationship is to strengthen us and make us better persons. We should learn from our mistakes and use our insight in making new commitments.
There are times when we realize the importance of a person only when he is gone and already in the arms of someone else. We make costly decisions that leave us hurting in the end. But then again, pain will always be part of loving. And we have to learn to accept our fate before we can freely move on and continue our search for the "right person".
What's a Meantime Girl?
She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable? She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've give! n her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable? She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've give! n her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.
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